Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
