cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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