Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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