I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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