Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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