dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
