On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
