what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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