Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
