woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
