I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
