After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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