Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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