i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
