Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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