Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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