When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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