I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
