any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
