I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
