Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
