So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
