i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
