I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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