that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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