WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
But theres a keg here and me gusta
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
