found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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