i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
