I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
