please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
