apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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