Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
