I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
