Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
In America we eat man semen.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize