you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
