He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
