so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
