If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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