So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
