Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
