I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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