After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I think I won the penis lottery.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
