when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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