When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
