You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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