Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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