i would punch a child for taco bell
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
