Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
