dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
