i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
