We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize