so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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