I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
