The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
