i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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