last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
